Saturday, December 16, 2017

Saturday Morning Update #50

Saturday Morning Update is a series of weekly "what have I been up to" posts that are usually short, unedited stream-of-conscious style writings. I often talk about games I've been playing, stuff I've been planning, but usually I focus on things that don't really qualify for an entire article. This week is an unedited stream-of-conscious rant about why Star Wars: The Last Jedi is a bad movie. And it probably won't be short.


1. Boring Plot

So the main plot is that the Resistance, which is coming off of their massive victory at the end of The Force Awakens by being reduced to a very small number in the first five minutes of The Last Jedi and then skidding along just out of The First Order's range of attack while slowly running out of fuel. Finn and this random girl sneak off to a boring casino to find someone who can help them sneak aboard Supreme Leader Snoke's ship and disable their tracking so the Resistance can hyperspace away. This whole "we're running out of gas" plot is in no way interesting and Finn's horse race through a casino is totally pointless and actually screws up the Resistance's actual plan of escape. If Finn and Rose had stayed put everyone would've survived. But they just had to go so we could have a cool sequence at a casino (which was not at all fleshed out) and then have a space-horse race through town. And we're supposed to feel good because they disrupted the casino culture or whatever and freed some space-horses. But there is 0% reason to believe those space-horses weren't just recaptured two seconds after they left. After that Finn and Rose (who I thought was like a maintenance person but whatever) get in some old school fighter pod things and shoot up some bad guys and get almost killed and kissed. I threw my hands up in the air at this. Why did they kiss?

2. Jedi Force Nonsense

Rey's storyline training with Luke was lots of nonsense. It kept getting interrupted by horribly placed comedy  and tonal shifts (this is Thor: Ragnarok times) like someone could get beheaded and then we'd cut to a Porg making Porg-noises. Why do we gotta have a meme-quality joke every two seconds? The original trilogy had humor but it was here and there and timed perfectly. This time it's like "Oh we haven't had a joke for the last five pages while everyone is dying? Better add one real quick." And then there's that bit with Kylo Ren and Rey being linked to the point where they can actually see each other plain as day and even project into each other's rooms. And then we get like 2% of Kylo Ren's backstory, not to mention flashbacks which have never really been a Star Wars thing.

3. Where does the story go from here? Where was it going in the first place?

Luke is dead. Snoke is dead. Phasma is dead. The Resistance is so small it can fit on the Falcon. This honestly could've been the end. But there is a whole other episode coming. All that's left is Kylo Ren being a complete weirdo. Hux could find out that he really killed Snoke and turn on him I guess. And what the actual hell was even the point of Snoke? We don't know ANYTHING about him. Why do they keep putting Phasma all over marketing and merchandise when she's twice now been in like two scenes as the butt of a few jokes and then thrown away. At least Poe got to do something this time, but I am tired of these movies having 17 main characters when only Rey and Kylo Ren ever actually matter.

4. When will the machine break?

Ever since Disney bought Marvel and Star Wars there was this big stink about all of pop culture now being part of a machine. There are no more creative minds writing and directing films, just executives calculating what shots and characters and scenes will generate the most money. For like five years I've been on the "Whatever, I just like movies" train but after disappointing releases like this and Doctor Strange and (probably) Black Panther I am starting to just get sick and tired of movies that are engineered to be successful and then are actually kinda lame but are still successful. So this week Disney bought Fox and everyone screamed gloom and doom about how it's more than just X-Men and monopolies are bad and I was all "Whatever, I just like movies." But if this piece of crap is a sign of things to come I'd rather have Michael Bay direct X-Men than the Disney Machine.

5. When will this end?

It's pretty clear now that there is going to be a Star Wars movie every year for the rest of eternity. And soon it'll follow Marvel and we could end up with two or three a year. We're going to get a pointless Han Solo origin story followed by an Obi-Wan movie I guess, not to mention Episode IX which will probably have some kind of plot? And then Rian Johnson, the criminal behind The Last Jedi, gets to make a whole trilogy on his own. I just can't take it anymore. Star Wars isn't special when it's being spat out every three months. And "Just don't watch it" is hardly good advice either. It's not like Star Wars begins and ends in the theater. Facebook and Twitter are basically "Dodge the Star Wars ad" games. Star Wars shirts. Star Wars cereal bowls. Star Wars Mr. Potato Head. Star Wars Milk Frother - that one is real!

But at least that scene where Rey and Keylo Ren talk out Snoke's Power Rangers was pretty cool.

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